Unexpressed Self
Full Article I Reflection Exercises

When a child is allowed to express their thoughts, feelings, and differing opinions, it supports the child’s development into a person who perceives themselves as separate, valuable, and capable of thinking — not as someone who defines themselves through meeting the expectations of family and society.

Self-expression lays the foundation for the development of autonomy and identity. It is not merely about being allowed to speak, but a deep message to the child: “You matter. You are allowed to exist as you are.”

When a parent can tolerate a child’s differing opinions, questions, and even resistance, the child learns that love and belonging do not depend on obedience or identical thinking. This creates a sense of safety: I can be myself and I will not be abandoned. Such a secure base forms the foundation of self-confidence, critical thinking, and a sense of responsibility.

Limiting self-expression — such as constantly silencing the child, interpreting disagreement as disrespect, ridiculing or invalidating the child, silently ignoring the child’s needs, or consistently making choices and decisions on the child’s behalf — leads the child to learn to make themselves smaller, to stay quiet, and to adapt rather than trust themselves.

The child begins to doubt their own feelings and perceptions and forms interpretations that, if left unchallenged, may start to guide them subconsciously. In order to avoid punishment, conflict, or shame, the child may begin to suppress their thoughts, emotions, and needs. This develops into a fear of mistakes and criticism. Mistakes are no longer perceived as opportunities for learning but as personal failure, because earlier experiences have linked making mistakes with criticism or punishment — in other words, with danger. As a result, the child may begin to wear a “mask,” adapting themselves to the expectations of others.

How does this begin to manifest in adulthood?

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